Friday, December 25, 2009

My Only Regrets.


Sitting by the open window on a bus with the wind in my hair and the crispy sun on me, oh such a nice picture. But it is the map in my hands, the places-to-go on my mind and the stops that I make that give me a purpose to it all. With all that lucky feeling inside, I've very nearly no regrets in life so far. But the few that I write below must be the only ones, but I like them. They're the stops I missed while I fell into a slumber and keep reminding me to sit up, keep my wits ever so sharp and watch out for exciting turns!

I regret outgrowing a few things. Dad used to ride a motorbike well until I was in school so I could ride on it seated behind him. And I loved it that I could smell his hair. In all those frightening moments, I could hug him like I'd hug a never-to-budge-rock that he is. While he watched news on TV with all seriousness, I could sit beside him and note all those features on his hands until he'd affectionately yell - "What're you doing?". That I could be endlessly lazy around my mum. Hide behind her, wrapped in the free end of her saree to feel safe. The love of one's parents is the one absolute version of it and I feel full of regret to have outgrown it. To the point that I perhaps don't need it any more. What a pity, indeed. But then, perhaps it isn't meant to be drawn out of for ever, nor returned. May be meant to be passed on. I think I am going to spoil my nephew :-).

Dad had a house with a huge garden. We had T, the four legged, tail wagging fur ball of an angel. Brother and I took turns in chasing him or being chased by him, and in walking him, bathing him and taking endless pictures of him in myriad poses :-). Mum did the part of feeding him and driving him to the regular visits to the vet's. All dad had to do was put his feet up on the coffee table, slouch on his couch reading the newspaper and have the obedient fur buddy sit beside admiring him! And I wanted to be my dad then! Wonder if kings had it any better :p. I have this unshakable perception that families with pets signify a certain abundance. You have enough affection to share it everyone else and some more to shower on other precious creatures. And to now have a life with long work hours, uncertainty as a built-in and travel as an inevitable feature; I hopelessly, very deeply regret not being able to have a pet. A real man's real pet of a dog. I hope I succeed in digging my tent deep enough some day and be able to do it.

The other last regret is also the much bigger version of the tiny little bit of jealousy I feel towards all those people who have serious hobbies that they've nurtured for all their lives. Some of my friends can play music, some paint, some do sports and some create endless nice things from nothing. I see such serious indulgence in things of interest to be one additional layer to one's personality that I so regret not having. Probably the last of the layers when one's denuded of all others; the one that lets you gracefully and self-assuredly use your time even when everything else is a little dud. I hope reading counts :p! And then, perhaps I should grow Bonsai :-)

See how nice it is to have regrets and also the remedies to it? :-).

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8 comments:

  1. Hobbies are for people who are not too good at them. If you try your hand at something you become too good at it, thereby depriving yourself of "hobbies". Not really your problem, is it? And juggling? When did you start working on that?

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  2. Srinivas (it sounds odd when I call you that!!), heck you're right as always.

    And juggling? For a while now.... Enjoying it a great deal :-).

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  3. Strange.. 1. to be reading this after I asked you about the pet and 2. to know that you have been trying to juggle.
    The first one was my biggest regret and when I couldnt live with it anymore, I got Olive. Now the regret of not being with her is killing me more :(.. Guess there is no end to my set of regrets :). The second - I have been trying soo hard to juggle. Got it going with three now :D havent really mastered that.. should start working on that... I enjoy it immensely.. fun!

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  4. What do you mean "trying to juggle" Smruthi?! Grrr!!! I'm quite a pro at it.. :p

    And come on, you can't be missing your pet.. What's that husband of yours for, if not for playing fetch-the-ball in the park? Although, with Olive on the one hand and Vendant on the other, got to give it to you, I too would miss Olive :-).

    Or... would you rather juggle? :p

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  5. Hey this grt blog. Loved reading it... And i am thinking abt my regrets now ...:)

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  6. @Suma, Hope you not only find yours but you'll also remedy it :). See, I've got my dog by now!

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  7. The 'bus' has become such an excellent metaphor. During this trip of life we miss so many stops, we all do that. Right? I wish I could say 'No regrets! Nothing to regret!'
    And tell me why I am writing comment on this write-up I read before!
    ;P
    Sometimes we can come back to the stop we missed!

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  8. Right Said Kanta! :).

    Yeah.. it is never a no-regrets story if you ask me. It is only finding remedies to it that counts. And leaving a comment after so long the post was made is one example like you point out!

    Hope all's well. Happiness be with you!

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